Be Curious

I’m sure I’m not alone in sharing that one of my favorite streaming series has been “Ted Lasso.”  Without getting into the merits and/ or entertainment value of the show, I’ll just say that more often than not, it makes me think.  Mostly, it makes me reflect on my own life, my behavior, and how I treat people.  And let’s just say, it reinforces that I am a constant work in progress.

 

One of my favorite scenes from the series involves Coach Lasso competing with the rich, famous, and (some would say) “full of himself” Rupert in a game of darts in a local pub.  During that scene, Ted quotes Walt Whitman who said, “Be curious, not judgmental.”  He then shares that he has often been underestimated, particularly by those who choose to be judgmental rather than curious.  And, of course, that got me thinking. 

There is a distinct difference between judgement and curiosity.  One is based on assumptions with little or no information; the other seeks to understand.  Judgement is much quicker and its assumptions seem to feed what we want to believe.  Maybe that’s why so many people rush to it.  Curiosity is more deliberate and reflects a desire to learn.  It takes time and a true interest in knowing.  When we apply these two concepts to our interactions with people, it’s easy to see how some relationships can get sideways.

 

Humans are complex creatures.  What motivates us, what drives us, what leads us to one decision and not another is a combination of so many variables, that it can be hard for others to fully understand it.  Only through curiosity, through a true desire to understand, can we appreciate what really makes a person “tick.”  With curiosity, there’s no shortcut.  It’s a little like research.  While the process is lengthy, we can feel more confident in our understanding.  And here’s the thing, to be curious, we have to care – care enough about others to want to really know about them.  The message we send when we are curious is that we are truly interested in another person.  Interested enough to find out, from them, what they’re all about.  We’re interested in the beauty and the warts.  The successes and struggles.  The rationale behind what they think, say, and do. 

For some, complexity is averse.  It’s too hard to deal with.  It takes too much time to unravel, to get to the core.  They either don’t care to or don’t have the time to learn about the other person.  So instead, they assume.  They jump to conclusions.  They “fill in the blanks” with either what makes sense to them or what serves to advance what they want to believe about another person.  Sometimes people get lucky and the conclusion they jump to occasionally is correct.  More often than not, however, it isn’t.  But since it’s easier and quicker to judge or evaluate someone based solely on what they may (or many not have) observed, that’s the way they go.  This takes on a whole other level of misunderstanding when the basis is what someone else said instead of a direct observation.  Basing our thoughts about a person based on another person’s version of what happened is at best risky and at worst irresponsible.

 

So, what does all this have to do with us and our roles as leaders in education?  Based on social media posts and most often based on conversations with many of you, a lot.  We are on both sides of this.  Let that sink in.  We’re on both sides of this.

 

As leaders, we are often the targets of assumptions and judgement rather than the subjects of curiosity.  Because we are in positions required to often make decisions, to “make the call,” we are open to criticism and to judgement.  People often jump to conclusions about what led to our decisions.  They not only judge the decision, but they also judge us.  They assume they know what we were thinking, what factors we weighed, what process we used.  They take on the “Monday Morning Quarterback” syndrome and evaluate our action.  If it stopped there, that would be unfortunate but maybe not intentionally hurtful.  The judgement can escalate to a level of hurt, however, when the assumptions and judgements are shared.  And we know how easy it is to do that with social media.  Heck, some people even set up social media groups for that sole purpose.  Judgements, and in some cases attacks, are shared and it doesn’t take many posts before the assumptions are considered, “facts.”  As leaders, we are called to take the high road when this happens.  We ignore it.  We shake our heads but don’t respond or defend ourselves.  But it takes a pretty thick skin to let it have no effect on us.  But here’s the thing, as Ted shared with Rupert, “Their underestimating had nothing to do with me.”  When people judge us, it says much more about them than it does us. 

 

And what of the “other side.”  Each day we, as leaders, have the choice to be curious or to be judgmental.  Of colleagues.  Of faculty, staff, coaches, and moderators.  Of students.  Of parents.  Of organizations.  Quite frankly, of anyone.  And what choice do we make?  Are we curious?  Do we care enough about people and about understanding to be curious?  To ask questions?  To take a genuine interest in them?  To invest the time it takes?  To risk admitting that we don’t know everything about the person or the situation?  Or do we choose to be judgmental?  To assume?  To jump to conclusions?  I know on more than one occasion, I’d have to raise my hand and reply with, “Guilty as charged.”  It was just easier.  And whether it based on things others had said or my own desire to “fill in the blanks,” it was just wrong. 

 

So I challenge all of us to be curious.  And may we, through our modeling of curiosity, encourage others to do the same.  We don’t have to win a game of darts like Ted did to prove the point.  But if we practice curiosity and make a point to demonstrate it to others, we may just hit a bullseye.