I’m sure I’m not alone in sharing that one of my favorite
streaming series has been “Ted Lasso.”
Without getting into the merits and/ or entertainment value of the show,
I’ll just say that more often than not, it makes me think. Mostly, it makes me reflect on my own life,
my behavior, and how I treat people. And
let’s just say, it reinforces that I am a constant work in progress.
One of my favorite scenes from the series involves Coach
Lasso competing with the rich, famous, and (some would say) “full of himself”
Rupert in a game of darts in a local pub.
During that scene, Ted quotes Walt Whitman who said, “Be curious, not
judgmental.” He then shares that he has
often been underestimated, particularly by those who choose to be judgmental
rather than curious. And, of course,
that got me thinking.
There is a distinct difference between judgement and
curiosity. One is based on assumptions
with little or no information; the other seeks to understand. Judgement is much quicker and its assumptions
seem to feed what we want to believe. Maybe
that’s why so many people rush to it. Curiosity
is more deliberate and reflects a desire to learn. It takes time and a true interest in
knowing. When we apply these two
concepts to our interactions with people, it’s easy to see how some
relationships can get sideways.
Humans are complex creatures. What motivates us, what drives us, what leads
us to one decision and not another is a combination of so many variables, that
it can be hard for others to fully understand it. Only through curiosity, through a true desire
to understand, can we appreciate what really makes a person “tick.” With curiosity, there’s no shortcut. It’s a little like research. While the process is lengthy, we can feel
more confident in our understanding. And
here’s the thing, to be curious, we have to care – care enough about others to
want to really know about them. The
message we send when we are curious is that we are truly interested in another
person. Interested enough to find out, from
them, what they’re all about. We’re
interested in the beauty and the warts.
The successes and struggles. The
rationale behind what they think, say, and do.
For some, complexity is averse. It’s too hard to deal with. It takes too much time to unravel, to get to
the core. They either don’t care to or
don’t have the time to learn about the other person. So instead, they assume. They jump to conclusions. They “fill in the blanks” with either what
makes sense to them or what serves to advance what they want to believe about
another person. Sometimes people get
lucky and the conclusion they jump to occasionally is correct. More often than not, however, it isn’t. But since it’s easier and quicker to judge or
evaluate someone based solely on what they may (or many not have) observed,
that’s the way they go. This takes on a
whole other level of misunderstanding when the basis is what someone else said
instead of a direct observation. Basing
our thoughts about a person based on another person’s version of what
happened is at best risky and at worst irresponsible.
So, what does all this have to do with us and our roles as
leaders in education? Based on social
media posts and most often based on conversations with many of you, a lot. We are on both sides of this. Let that sink in. We’re on both sides of this.
As leaders, we are often the targets of assumptions and
judgement rather than the subjects of curiosity. Because we are in positions required to often
make decisions, to “make the call,” we are open to criticism and to
judgement. People often jump to
conclusions about what led to our decisions.
They not only judge the decision, but they also judge us. They assume they know what we were thinking,
what factors we weighed, what process we used.
They take on the “Monday Morning Quarterback” syndrome and evaluate our
action. If it stopped there, that would
be unfortunate but maybe not intentionally hurtful. The judgement can escalate to a level of hurt,
however, when the assumptions and judgements are shared. And we know how easy it is to do that with
social media. Heck, some people even set
up social media groups for that sole purpose.
Judgements, and in some cases attacks, are shared and it doesn’t take
many posts before the assumptions are considered, “facts.” As leaders, we are called to take the high
road when this happens. We ignore
it. We shake our heads but don’t respond
or defend ourselves. But it takes a
pretty thick skin to let it have no effect on us. But here’s the thing, as Ted shared with
Rupert, “Their underestimating had nothing to do with me.” When people judge us, it says much more about
them than it does us.
And what of the “other side.” Each day we, as leaders, have the choice to
be curious or to be judgmental. Of
colleagues. Of faculty, staff, coaches,
and moderators. Of students. Of parents.
Of organizations. Quite frankly,
of anyone. And what choice do we
make? Are we curious? Do we care enough about people and about
understanding to be curious? To ask
questions? To take a genuine interest in
them? To invest the time it takes? To risk admitting that we don’t know
everything about the person or the situation?
Or do we choose to be judgmental?
To assume? To jump to
conclusions? I know on more than one
occasion, I’d have to raise my hand and reply with, “Guilty as charged.” It was just easier. And whether it based on things others had said
or my own desire to “fill in the blanks,” it was just wrong.
So I challenge all of us to be curious. And may we, through our modeling of
curiosity, encourage others to do the same.
We don’t have to win a game of darts like Ted did to prove the point. But if we practice curiosity and make a point
to demonstrate it to others, we may just hit a bullseye.