Peace, Love, and Understanding

 

On my Monday morning drive from Cedar Rapids to Boone this past week, I was treated to and inspired by a 1979 gem performed by Elvis Costello & the Attractions called, “What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love and Understanding.”

 

Peace, love and understanding.  Seems like a simple enough concept.  And seems like a worthy enough goal, doesn’t it?  Peace, love and understanding.  Imagine a home and a family with it.  Imagine our schools with it.  Imagine our communites, our country and our world with it.  Imagine every relationship with it. 

 

I gotta be honest with you.  I’m tired of the conflict.  I’m tired of the hostility.  I’m tired of the insults.  I’m tired of the lack of civility.  I’m tired of the, “I’m right and you’re wrong” approach to everything.  I’m tired of the violence.  Where does it end?  When does it end?  It makes me ask, like Elvis Costello did in his song, “Where are the strong?  Where are the trusted?  Where is the harmony?”

 

It’s easy to see the chaos on the news.  The Ukraine, Israel, Gaza, Korea, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan.  Chicago, LA, New York, Texas.  It’s easy to see it, consider it far away and take false comfort in thinking it won’t touch us.  We can look from afar and be thankful it’s not us.  But then we listen to the angry shouts at school board and town hall meetings, the nastiness coming from the stands, the slurs used to describe those different than us, the vitriol in social media posts, and we realize its closer than we think.

 

I challenge us today to zoom in.  Yes, I want peace, love and understanding in the world.  But if that is ever going to happen, it has to start with each of us and it has to start in our own back yards.  I’ve been a part of Iowa since I came here from Philly to go to Simpson College in 1973.  I appreciate Iowa and am proud to have raised a family here.  And while there is daily evidence of “Iowa Nice,” unfortunately, even Iowa is not immune to the conflict, the hostility, the insults and the violence.  We do have beautiful people here doing beautiful things for each other.  We do have people doing amazing things with service.  We do have people who promote peace, love and understanding.  But how long are the rest of us going to leave that up to others or simply hope things get better?  Where are the strong?  Where are the trusted?  Where is the harmony?

 

Despite what our world tells us, it is possible to disagree and be civil.  It is possible to compete and respect our opponent.  It is possible to dislike something without attacking it.  It is possible to not get our way without lashing out.  Being the loudest, the crudest, the most insulting or the most hostile doesn’t make us the most right.  Worse yet, it makes us considerably less than who we are called to be. 

 

So where do we start?  Here’s an easy place…with words.  We used to hear that “sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.”  That’s baloney.  Some words are meant to hurt and do a pretty good job of it.  Some words are meant to generalize, marginalize and depersonalize with the goal of making it ok to demean and mistreat others.  Take a look at history to see where that leads.  At a presentation to students when I was a high school principal, we heard a stern warning from survivor Dr. Jacob Eisenbach during his account of the Holocaust – it all started with hate and intolerance.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that if we understand the power of words and we are intentional about how we use them, we can create an environment in our communities where everyone feels respected.  The beauty of this world lies in its diversity.  Diversity in appearance.  Diversity in heritage.  Diversity in interests.  Diversity in beliefs.  Diversity in ideas.  It’s time to recognize that.

 

I often think of the quote from George Bernard Shaw, and referenced by the late Bobby Kennedy: “Some see things as they are and ask, ‘Why?’  I dream things that never were and say, ‘Why not?’”

 

Where are the strong?  Where are the trusted?  They and it are in the classrooms and halls of our schools, in the offices of our administrators, in the locker rooms and competition areas of our athletic teams, in the rehearsal spaces of our performers.  And as school leaders, we have the power to lead change.  We have an incredible power – the power to choose.  We have the power to be strong.  We have the power to instill trust.  We have the power to create harmony.  We have the power to take respect to the world.  Let’s lead by example.  Let’s be strong enough to do the right thing.  Let’s be people who can be trusted.  Let’s be the ones who create harmony in our homes, our schools, our communities, and our world. I’ll pose the same question to you as I did frequently to students:  “If not us, then who?  If not now, then when?” 

 

What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?  Nothing, that’s what. 

 

Forgiveness

 

As leaders, and especially leaders in school communities, criticism and sometimes even attacks come our way.  There are instances when people say things to us and about us, do things, write things, post things, etc., which are intended to hurt us.  When it happens, we tend to consider two options – react or ignore.  Some things are easier to ignore than others.  One comment on a post by someone we don’t have a relationship with is easier to ignore than ongoing hurtful behavior from someone we do.  Sometimes it’s a matter of intensity and duration.  The behavior can reach a level that “gets to us” emotionally, leading us to become resentful and bitter.  We think feeling this way is "getting them back."  In fact, holding onto the resentment and bitterness does us more harm than good.  It’s not easy to let it go.  It takes forgiveness.

But forgiveness is a tricky thing.  One of the reasons is because it is often a double-standard.  We want others to forgive us yet we’re not so willing to extend forgiveness to others.  Another reason it’s tricky is because we often see it as a win/lose situation.  We feel if we forgive, the other person feels better but we still feel the hurt that was caused by whatever the transgression against us was.  The other person "wins." 

Let me offer a little perspective about forgiveness.  

A good friend of mine lost his 20 year old son when a drunk driver in a pickup truck crossed the centerline and slammed into his motorcycle, killing his son (and his girlfriend who was riding with him).  My friend and I have had a few conversations about that tragedy.  He and his wife have continued to work through their grief and have found some comfort in counseling others who have lost children. 

 

One of the conversations my friend and I had revolved around forgiveness.  I was principal at Xavier at that time and he wanted to know from the Catholic School principal, how in the world he was supposed to forgive the drunk driver for this seemingly unforgivable offense.  The driver who had six previous drunk driving convictions.  The driver who was driving without a license.  The driver who valued life so little that he got behind the wheel of five thousand pounds of metal with a .19 blood alcohol level and took that weapon onto a two lane highway at over 70 miles per hour putting everyone in his path in harm’s way.  The driver that took his son away.  The son he would never go fishing or hunting with again.  The son he would never go to another football game with.  The son he would not see get married.  The son he and his wife loved.  How in the world do you forgive someone who does that?

 

I had no magic words or profound answers for his question.  I can’t imagine the grief that he still felt, even after several years.  Nothing I could say could take the grief away.  It was nearly impossible to try to help him let go of the anger and the resentment he was feeling.  I wish I would’ve had the right words to help him see that holding on to the anger was not hurting nor punishing the driver.  The driver wasn’t going to care.  In fact, by holding onto the anger, he was giving the driver who killed his son power over him.  The driver not only killed his son but was now maintaining a painful hold on my friend as well.  Only when he could truly forgive the driver would that negativity begin to subside. 

 

Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook.  It is not relieving them of their responsibility.  It is not meant to make that person feel better.  Forgiveness is a way to release ourselves from the toxic resentment and sometimes fury that has built inside us and we continue to hold onto.  Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill our enemy.”  It serves no purpose but to continually remind us of the pain we feel.

I wish I could tell you that our conversation ended with my friend saying, “Wow, I never thought of it that way.  You’ve helped me see that I need to forgive that guy.”  We all know better.  All I can hope is that someday my friend can find something inside of him that will allow him to forgive.  I really believe he will.  Not for the driver’s benefit.  But for his own.  It hurt me to see my friend in so much pain.  I wanted him to begin the healing and that was never going to happen without forgiveness. 

 

And it all got me thinking.  If I was suggesting to my friend that he forgive someone for such an unfathomable offense, why was I holding onto resentment for those who have done much less to me.  In a classic case of, “Physician, heal thyself,” moment, I took stock of the grudges I was holding.  It’s not like I was keeping a “naughty or nice” list, but I thought of enough examples of my bitterness toward people who meant something to me and those I hardly knew.  And I decided it was time to let go.  With a few, I had conversations that amounted to a simple, “That hurt me, and I want you to know I’m not mad anymore.”  That simple beginning started conversations that helped start rebuilding a relationship. With others, I didn’t know them well enough to have the conversation.  But in both cases, I emptied myself of the proverbial “poison” Mandela spoke of.  I recognized that we can’t control how others act, only how we respond.  When we respond with bitterness, anger, and resentment, it is us who suffer.  When we refuse to go down that path, we are the ones in control.

Balance

 

Balance.  It’s a concept we’ve been trying to master since we were toddlers.  Early on it was standing, then walking.  We tried to master steps.  We learned to ride a bike.  Then it was roller skates/blades and ice skates.  Maybe we were bold enough to get on a ski slope.

 

As hard as it was back then to gain our physical balance, it seems to pale sometimes in comparison to the elusiveness of life balance.  For us as adults, that work-life balance thing too often seems to be more than a little out of reach.  So many demands on our time, even outside of work, that it can seem like we are no longer in charge of our own schedules.  We are in cars and on flights to conduct business.  We go from meeting to meeting.  We rush through meals.  We run from one child’s activity to another.  We look at Mass times at every parish to see if we can get there between games. We find ourselves doing laundry and balancing checkbooks at midnight or squeezing in mowing the lawn before dark.  We have calendars that never seem to have a blank day on them.  And who decided we needed to be available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week through our mobile devices?  Toss in a car problem, a water heater that goes out, or an illness and our stress levels push the limits.  We ask ourselves, “How did things get so out of control?” And the things that really matter – prayer, quality time with family, time to relax and reflect – often are pushed to the bottom of our priority lists if they even make the list at all.

Sadly, this challenge of finding balance in life is not unique to adults.  As principal, I saw it and as Executive Director of the IHSAA, I’m seeing it and hearing more and more about it in our students.  The results have me concerned.  There seems to be significant pressure, self-imposed in some cases but most often imposed from others, to do more and do it better.  The school says, “Get involved!”  Colleges ask, “What activities have you been involved in?  How many AP courses have you taken?  What were your grades?  What is your ACT score?”  As parents we can create incredible pressure on our students by pushing them toward what I call, “resume-building.”  Coaches and directors demand more and more time with them at practice, rehearsal and off-season programs or workouts.  Not only is balance something that seems out of reach but “down time” just doesn’t exist. 

Students often fill their day with 8 classes.  Before they even begin, many are in the fitness center lifting, attending open gym, getting help from teachers or in some cases attending scheduled lessons and/or rehearsals.  Immediately after school they head to practice, rehearsal or a job.  They live on fast food between activities.  They come home tired and emotionally spent, wishing they could just shower and go to bed.  Instead, they pull out their books and their laptops and begin what for some nights can seem like a mountain of homework or hours of preparation for the next test, presentation or project.  By the time their head hits the pillow, they are beyond exhausted only to hear the alarm just a few hours later, beckoning them to start the madness over again.  Weekends used to be a time to relax.  Now it seems to be a time to “catch up.”  The number of students reporting anxiety is at an all time high.  I can’t help but think this exhaustion is part of the equation.

 

The IHSAA, IGHSAU, IHSMA, and IHSSA approached the Department of Education to express this concern and from those discussions came, “Family Week.”  While it is a step in the right direction, I fear it may not be enough.

 

Schools have a responsibility to seek ways to help.  Teachers should discuss ways to coordinate assessment schedules (much easier said than done) to help make the load on any one day a little more manageable.  And teachers have a responsibility to communicate with students exactly what it is they want them to know and be able to do for their assessments. Coaches and directors should consider their students’ schedules as they plan practices, rehearsals and off-season workouts; perhaps give them a day off once in a while.  We must be insistent in words and actions that family and academics take priority over activities.

 

And the reality is that schools need the help of parents.  Any message our administrators can share with parents about balance is a good one.

 

Parents should have regular conversations with students regarding their work load.  Help them learn to prioritize and in some cases “let go” of some of the things that are packing their schedules.  They need to know it’s ok to not have eight classes and be involved in two, three or four activities at the same time.  They need to advocate for themselves by visiting with their teachers, coaches and directors about their schedule on a particular day.  They need to know that a “B” or "C" is not the end of the world.  They need to know that they don’t need to take every AP or dual credit course.  Most of all they need to know that we love them regardless of what they are involved in, what their grades are and what their “resume” looks like.  I’m not proposing a “don’t care” attitude by any means.  But the stress levels we are seeing in our students say the “more and better” approach often does more harm than good.

 

It’s time for us to encourage students to find that elusive “balance.”  It’s time for us to let kids be kids (at least some of the time).  I have been heard to say, “Keep ‘em busy; keep ‘em broke.”  That doesn’t mean every minute of the day every day of the week.

 

So many schools develop so many incredibly successful students.  It's time to commit to developing those who are well-adjusted and happy.